The deep-end journal of Useless

Reassigned to sharks. Asked for the day shift. Was given a wetsuit two sizes too big and told to “mind the deep end”. There are more than 500 kinds of shark. I have brought a waterproof clipboard. checked

Learned sharks have no bones at all. Just cartilage, like your ears. I am mostly rubber, so I feel we have a lot in common. checked

Some sharks shed about 35,000 teeth in a lifetime. I lose one pencil a week and call it a crisis. checked

Found a mermaid’s purse on the beach. Waited for a mermaid to come and claim it. Turns out it’s a shark’s egg case. Nobody came. I kept the receipt. checked

Greenland sharks can live for hundreds of years and only grow up at about 150. Finally, someone who understands my approach to tidying. checked

Tried to race a shortfin mako. It does 74 km/h in bursts. I do about 3, downhill, with a following wind. checked

Met a whale shark. Largest fish in the sea, eats plankton and fish eggs. Went to shake its fin and it just kept filtering. Very polite. Very big. checked

The cookiecutter shark glows green and once took bites out of submarines. I once took a bite out of a crayon. We are not the same. checked

Hammerheads can see above and below them at the same time. I can’t see my own googly eyes without a mirror. checked

A dwarf lanternshark is about 20 cm long at most. It fits on a hand. It also glows. I am shorter and I don’t glow, and frankly that’s a missed opportunity. checked

Basking sharks come to the Isle of Man between May and August. I came in October with a flask. Spotted three seagulls and a very confident crab. checked

Learned that people mistake one basking shark’s fin and tail for two sharks. I once counted my own shadow as a second eraser. Twice. checked

Asked a nurse shark for a plaster. Apparently they’re called nurse sharks for other reasons. It just lay there being excellent at suction. checked

Sharks don’t have swim bladders, so they float with an oily liver instead. I float with optimism, and also I don’t float. checked